Parenting with Autism: To Tell or Not to Tell?

How do you know when it is the right time to tell your child they are Autistic?

Parenting is an emotional rollercoaster, filled with moments of immense pride and joy alongside deep concern and challenges. From the excitement of witnessing your child's first steps to the heartbreak of seeing them face issues like bullying or health struggles, every experience underscores the profound love parents have for their children.

As they grow, our celebrations continue and our love for our children has no boundaries. When terrible things happen to them our world falls apart, whether it is sickness, academic struggles or they are upset. When they cry, we cry, when they are hurt, we are hurt and we as parents become protective and wish we could take away their pain. My mum tells me this never stops even when your children are beyond forty with their own children.

I believe our job as parents is to help our children grow into great human beings, so they are kind and compassionate, support their growth so they can succeed in life and beyond all else to ensure they are given the tools so they be healthy in mind and body and be happy!

When our son five, he was diagnosed with Autism, and yes, our worlds came crashing down! I had so many questions swirling around in my head.

“What would his life look like.”

“Will he live a fulfilled life?”

“Will he get married, have kids, do the things he will want to do, to be happy?”

I then thought about myself, every time I googled, the statistic that 80% of marriages do not survive having Autistic children jumped out at me, I thought “will my own marriage survive this?”

After the initial questions about the unknown, I became more positive, the fire in my belly was ignited and Mumma Bear was born. I vowed to myself to fight for him and for us and I was determined not to become another statistics. I wanted to ensure I gave our son the tools to live life, survive and thrive. My maternal instinct was alive and well and I became a passionate advocate for my son, determined to understand Autism thoroughly and shield him from the potential difficulties often associated with being neurologically diverse.

The bottom line was he was my son, he made me a mother and I loved him for who he was and to me he was normal. Did him getting a diagnosis of being Autistic change our lives forever? Absolutely! It gave us an insight into how his mind worked so we could work with him, support him, and help him thrive. It gave us clues to what his behaviour meant and most importantly his diagnosis enabled me to understand him and YES, I am an expert in my own child (children in fact). I do not believe I know everything about Autism or ADHD, but I do know how these disorders affect my own children. To me and my husband a diagnosis is not a label, but vital information on how we could connect, love, and support our children.

This was our new normal!

Deciding when to disclose his Autism diagnosis was another tough decision. Our son was 5 years old, so we decided not to tell him initially, to us his diagnosis was not bad but helped us parent him. To the world, however there was (and perhaps still is) a stigma around someone being Autistic. We wanted our son to live a ‘normal life’, we thought we were not in denial, however we actually were!

The world, society and especially the education system is not set up for our Autistic friends and family so how was he supposed to live a ‘normal’ life when he was not supported in different situations or environments.

Our son hit 10 years of age and our world fell apart. He was bullied at school, severely, and his mental health took a massive hit. This continued for years without support from his school or the school community. In fact, we were judged, I am sure I was classed as the crazy mother who made up stories about other children, this as well as his Autism affecting his daily functioning in life meant we were all drowning. It was at this point, we thought now is the time to tell him about his Autism. Balancing the desire for him to grow up feeling accepted with the need to protect him from stigma, we eventually chose honesty.

But was it the right time?

It was hard to know, his mental health was already suffering, and knowing about his diagnosis could tip him over the edge. Regardless we thought this was the best course of action.

Armed with tools and support, we approached the conversation with love, acceptance, and a celebration of his uniqueness. We also told his younger sister first, so when we sat down as a family we could focus on our son and his questions.

I was nervous, worried, and emotional, but I held it together and we sat down as a family. We had the conversation, showed our son a child friendly video explaining what Autism is, but we emphasised that our love for him was strong and him being autistic did not change a thing.

His reaction—a calm acceptance and newfound self-awareness—validated our approach. It reinforced our belief that every child, regardless of their differences, deserves to be celebrated and embraced for who they are. Despite external challenges, his response brought relief and affirmed that understanding oneself is empowering.

After being told of his Autism he said the most unexpected thing. We asked him how he felt and if he was ok? He said, “I always knew I was different; I just didn’t know how and now I do!”

WOW, to say I was relieved is an understatement. From here we made sure we celebrated his Autism and always will, it made him, him and I wouldn’t change a thing. Was life hard? It sure was! Have we had extra challenges as a family because of his Autism? Most definitely, however, he has taught me so much and I will forever be grateful.

Our journey continues to teach us resilience and deep love. Through it all, we cherish every milestone, traditional or unique to our son, and strive to ensure he knows he is unconditionally loved. As we navigate parenting a now young Adult with Autism, we draw strength from our bond and celebrate his beautiful uniqueness every step of the way.